Death of Common Sense Ruled 'Natural Causes'
by
Paul E. Rondeau
He will be remembered as having cultivated long standing but now discredited teachings such as:
- No one owes you anything;
- Don't spend more than you can earn;
- Life isn't always fair;
- Maybe it was my fault (and his infamous corollary Maybe I don't know everything.)
It seems few will miss him. Critics contend that Common Sense clung to outmoded principals. "Simplistic ideas like 'adults, not children, are in charge' may be what people believed in the Dark Ages," said one critic, "but society is much more sophisticated today. We now know that the Earth isn't flat."
News accounts report that Common Sense's first visible signs of deterioration coincided with results of well-intentioned regulations to 'protect freedoms and promote tolerance' in public schools. These facilitated much needed new protections such as charging a 6-year-old boy with sexual harassment for kissing a female classmate. Teachers and student clubs could also now encourage acceptance of alternative sexual behaviors regardless of parents' wishes or the associated health dangers.
Common Sense's health grew weaker with each new pretzel logic incident. Like when the State required schools to get parental consent to administer an aspirin and also ruled that children who were pregnant.and seeking to end their baby's life through a medical procedure called abortion needed to be protected by not involving their parents.
His mood brightened when he thought he might have the answer to this paradox: Perhaps many of these pregnancies were caused by incest and the students really were being protected by not informing the parents? With some diligent research (almost an entire thirty seconds worth!) he confirmed that 99% of abortions stem from consensual sex and only 1% are reported as due to rape or incest combined. Common Sense's mood once again darkened.
One teacher who would only speak off the record said, "His depression really accelerated when sex and gender were determined to be totally unrelated and taught that way to children in K-12 schools. He said he he had done his best to serve humanity for a thousand years but now felt trivialized and marginalized. I think it pushed him over the edge."
The Superintendent of Progressive Public Education stated the accepted view for the record, "Common Sense obviously suffered from a severe mental illness. He just didn't like being ignored. Of course we feel sorry for him but today, it is our civic duty to protect our students from unscientific dangerous ideas like his."
One friend of Common Sense who spoke on the condition of anonymity believes the final straw came when Tolerance was elevated to the transcendent virtue governing all others. "I think Common Sense finally lost the will to live when the practice of his teachings became defined as ignorance and hate speech," he offered quietly.
Political Correctness, also known as PC, was at first thought to be a person of interest in the death. However, when questioned PC enlightened the investigators that Common Sense was obsolete and did not have the vision of the anointed. Chastised investigators quickly realized that Common Sense died of natural causes and dismissed any need for further questions.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Moderation, his daughter, Personal Responsibility, and his son, Tradition. No media accounts note their passing.
He is survived by four estranged cousins: I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, I Have No Shame, and I'm A Victim. They issued this joint statement: "It would not be appropriate to hold a funeral that may offend someone. We encourage condolences for Common Sense to be expressed silently."
Editor's Note: Those wishing to commemorate Common Sense should speak-up while they still can.
